Tuesday, August 17, 2004

My life in the margin of error, part 2.

For those who came in late… So it had come to this, just me and him, the polling guy. Alone, together, on my porch, as the wind swept over us like one of those wide, stiff-bristled brooms being operated by an obsessive-compulsive janitor on PCP.

I looked at him and he looked at me. We stared at each other and we met each other’s gaze, taking in each other’s appearances with our eyes. I saw that he was ready to make a move and he saw that I saw he was ready to make a move.

Suddenly, he lunged at me with the business end of his clipboard, the steel-sprung paper-vice, sun flashing from its every angle, whirling through the air like a ninja throwing star rivetted to a piece of wood.

I blocked his thrust and then tore his esophagous out through a hole I made in his brain pan for that very purpose, slipping on his pancreas as I did so. I crashed to earth, clipping my head on the wicker cane chair. As unconsiousness lapped at me like an overly-friendly black labrador cross with halitosis, I whispered: ‘Enjoy your ‘victory’, polling guy but who’s going to fill in your giant survey book now?’

His arrogant laughter died suddenly in his throat which I was still clutching in my left hand. He shook his fist at me and then slinked guiltily away, like a marmoset that had been convicted of securities fraud. As he went, he called over the smoking ruin of his shoulder: ‘you may have won this round, random house-holder. But I will have my revenge! There will be phone calls. Not one but many. Each caller will be more irritating and insinuating than the last. Pressure will be applied. You will be made to feel as if you have let down a close and needy friend. And you will regret every hitherto innocently-enjoyed minute of television in the knowledge that you should have been filling in a little, ok not so little, survey book.’ At least I think that's what he said, because he was talking through a hole in his chest, using a flap of skin as a 'tongue'.

OK, it may not have happened exactly like that but it was damn close.

And Just to prove what a tease I am, I’m going to put off my little poll-born epiphany to the next post which will be a serious post.





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