Sunday, October 31, 2004

One blade of grass lies, the other tells the truth

This morning I went to get petrol for the lawn mower (which doesn’t run on love, alas). The cashier dude engaged me in cashier dude banter as we waited for the massive apparatus of financial exchange to let us know that my electrons were sufficient payment for his employer’s petroleum.

Cashier dude: doing some lawn mowing, are you?

Me: yes, gotta be done.

CD: It’s always the way. Lovely day for it.

Me: well, I started yesterday and then ran out of petrol.

CD: it’s always the way, isn’t it?

Me: yes.


CD: so what’s your tip for the Melbourne Cup?

Me: I don’t really know the names of the horses.

CD: not into gambling?

Me: well, I only really get into it on Tuesday.

CD: it’s always the way, isn’t it?

Me: yes.

I imagine that when cashier dude got to work that morning he was given a cash float for the till and an envelope containing the catch-phrase of the day. Sunday’s will be: ‘you wouldn’t read about it’ and on Monday: ‘as you do.’

Alternatively, he moonlights as a zen master. ‘It was always this way, grasshopper, and always shall be so.’

It wasn’t always this way, you know. It used to be different. But not anymore.


Later that day, I was actually mowing the lawn. As I vroomed along the side of my property, I was kicking up great clouds of red-brown dust which settled on the white 4WD Subaru station wagon belonging to my neighbour.

He came running out, objecting to my dust-related program activities. (That’s a deeply-buried and quite unnecessary Iraq War joke by the way).

I asked him if he could appreciate the irony of being bothered by dust landing on a car called the ‘Outback’.(Please don’t write in to tell me I’m misusing the word ‘irony’ because I might be and I don’t care. You irony police (and you know who you are) are getting out of control).

Actually I made this part of the anecdote up. It’s the first in a new series entitled ‘Imaginary retorts to imaginary complaints from real-life situations’. I’m in discussions with Fox about a late-night cable special.

I really did kick dust all over his car though. And -- and I guess you can tell this by the very fact of this blog post – I do feel a little bit sorry.

A little.

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